Estrogens, Good and Bad

I'm not sure if every June's full of changes, this one has been quite eventful so far. Moved to a new floor, where I'm surrounded by super-stylish women. Not quite Devil Wears Prada, but very close, there's the usual alliances and rivalries... Nothing I can't handle, even if the new attention feels a bit unnerving. If this had a metaphor, I just went from the drafty and cold basement to the cushy and overheated penthouse. Feel like I gotta step up my wardrobe, or maybe I could revel in being the floor hippe? LOL. I do enjoy the overheard conversations, wish I can save them for a future novel.

Some bodily discomfort has also cropped up, could be fibrocystic breasts or something else. I really don't want to do the whole regular dr --> OB-GYN --> ultrasound --> ?? schlep again, like what happened two (?) years ago. Went to my fav hypochondriac shop for remedies, an Earth Mother-ish saleslady gave me some EstroSense to try, it's not cheap, but anything converting bad estrogens to good estrogens is gotta be worth it.

Can't stop things from changing, am just hoping for good changes, abundance in things we need, and less negativity, starting with my own. There's a lot I can control.

Cousin's wedding tomorrow will be full of memories, I've now gotten over feeling wistful about when I can be a bride and am just looking forward to the good food and photo opportunity. There's going to be a group portrait, with all 160 people present, and some family and friends photo sessions with the new couple at exactly 12:27PM. I wonder if a tense wedding planner has decided the time, it'll be hilarious to see if we can adhere to the time.

Sunny Sunday

A beautiful sunday came and went, it was a blissful respite from the
never-ending frigid temperature, so tantalizing in its briefness.
Didn't get to talk to bf online, figured internet wasn't cooperating
again. Saw Pei Pei and caught up with her, we talked over each other
in our rushed life updates. She told me her sister-in-law had
miscarried her third child, I was so sad to hear it, though I've not
met the couple, they're the kind of parents who see every new kid as a
blessing. Maybe it was meant to be, they already have a boy and a girl
and the mom's almost 40-years-old. Hopefully her recovery will be
thorough, I heard the month after miscarriage is as important as the
month after childbirth, any lack of care will give one health problems
later in life.

Mom and dad went to NJ to visit an old friend, the trip took five
hours by train and bus. Their friend was in the states to take care of
three boys by her older daughter, who was a dentist and married to
another Chinese-American doctor. Her younger daughter, 39-years-old
and also a doctor, was in labor with her first baby when they arrived.
The visit was rather hectic and abbreviated but special in its own
way, how often does one get to share in the excited & nervous
anticipation of a baby being born? The grandparents were hoping for a
girl after the Y-chromosome overload they've had, alas, their fourth
grandchild is another boy! He came in via c-section since water
already broke on Saturday.

Watched Twilight by myself after I parted ways with Pei Pei. If I was
ten-years younger, I'd have swooned much more over the intense gazes
and sighs, now, I'm more chagrined than touched by their undying love.
All this dying for someone you love hyperbole is good for literature
but hollow in real life, I think a man who does chores is much more
romantic.

Highs and Lows

The week started off really well, I was happy over some personal good
news and my mom's safe return from Kenya. BF's still here too and I
wanted to treasure every day we had before he has to return to a war
zone on Mon. Now, I'm feeling frazzled from an increasingly demanding
job, mom's come down with shingles and am all restless about saying
goodbyes this weekend. His parents' continued bigotry toward Chinese
don't help things, tonight's dinner with my bf was cancelled since
they wanted to interrogate him about us. I alternate between wanting
to understand them and wanting to yell at them. The question isn't
whether they'll ever like me, they won't, it is rather would we be
able to stand the constant badgering and negativity and stay together
through it all? Would our love change? Would he get brainwashed by
them? Dear Kuan Yin pusa, please give me strength and stop me
punishing myself for others' biased minds.

Dreaming and Fearing of a Place of My Own

I live in an apt my parents bought years ago, even though they're not
always here, they still stay here often -- it's their place after all.
I'm pretty dependent on my parents, not for money as I pay the bills
but the idea of having them around and getting advice from them and
maybe the feeling of not having to answer to things. People my age
have all moved on to new phases in life, moving in with boyfriend,
getting a apt, etc, while I still live the same way years after
college. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too chicken to make changes or
if I'm too lazy to try new things. I tell myself I want a place of my
own, where everything is under my control and all, when it comes to
actually making changes, I hesitate. My boyfriend wants the two of us
to buy a place together, with lower prices and the new tax break, it
seems more likely than ever. He's afraid of marriage, so if we moved
in together, it'll be as if we jointly invested in a place. Advice for
unmarried couples buying a property together all recommend drafting a
document with a good real estate lawyer so no one is stuck paying the
mortgage in the case of a breakup or worse. I want marriage in a
abstract way but have seen how it really is. My parents and my sister
have good marriages because they're exceedingly generous people, I
feel like I'm a lot less so. Prices in my neighborhood have not
dropped recently since this new Chinatown is hot among moneyed
immigrants, there is even a new luxury condo going up that offers
1-bedroom apts for 400k, pretty unrealistic for my/my bf's income
bracket. If I went outside this neighborhood, prices are in the 170k -
180k range for a 1-bedroom co-op, which I could maybe afford if I
stayed employed and brownbag my lunch every day. There are many things
motivating me to change, and many reasons dragging my feet, I'll have
to see if life pushes me harder in one direction than another in the
coming months.

Rat Changes into Ox: Happy New Year

The new year falls on a monday this year, making a working stiff like
me wish I was back in China, where the celebration is everywhere and
people have at least two weeks off. Here, you've got to make an
effort. Thank goodness my friends in the neighborhood are really into
hosting parties and day trips. Pei Pei, M, Genny, Genny's mom, Yuan
and I all headed to LI to do some discount shopping. Century 21 is
having a really good sale there, I got a cashmere vest for only $30.
There were many really Vogue-worthy pieces too, we had no idea how to
wear some of them, but it was fun trying. Everyone is also gathering
at M's place tomorrow night for the all-important New Year's Eve
dinner. We wanted to do a hot pot dinner, but ended up deciding to
each bring a dish or two. I might bring some rotisserie chicken from
my favorite takeout place.

M's hubby got a couple of offers for the house and is moving to CA
after the school year ends, M is resigned to the fact that he's
pinning his dreams on starting over in the west. The house sale will
pay off their debts at least. We were all a bit wistful thinking it'll
be harder to see M soon, since she won't need to fly back to NY
anymore. But our self-absorbed concerns aside, M seemed really
well-adjusted toward her impossible husband, she said if she thinks of
him as a friend, then it's all fine. You can't control how a friend
lives his life, so you just roll with the changes.

Live webcast for the most beloved and most-hated TV show in China,
CCTV's New Year's Eve celebration, can be seen here,
http://spring.cctv.com/p2pcctvgq2/index.shtml, not sure if I can get
up at 7 to watch the thing live.

Wishing everyone a great Year of the Ox! If you were born in 1923,
1937,1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, your sign falls in the year of the
Ox. Common zodiac wisdom suggests any Ox to be extra careful in the
coming year, they say you've got to wear a red belt, a red bracelet,
or a blessed piece or two from a temple... something to keep you out
of trouble. My own experience suggests it's not necessarily a bad year
but there will be changes in store if you were an Ox. May the changes
be good ones.

Back to the Grind

I'm glad the holidays are over, there was just too much pressure to buy/do/be something and somewhere all the time. The Chinese New Year's not until 1/26, so we have a chance to catch up before the overeating commences once more. I hope everyone can get Chinese New Year off as a holiday, wouldn't that be great?

Christmas break was mostly family-driven, Mom's departure on 1/1 made me a little sad, not because I wanted her around 24/7, but I just wished she could relax more and enjoy her retirement years.

Rumors of layoffs are rampant, I'm not so love with my job itself but it'd be scary to lose regular income. My freelance work is bringing me just enough for snacks, if I really had no work work anymore, would I go to grad school or just live on savings for a while? Hmm. They've added so much work to my plate lately it'd be like laying off two people at once, but no one is really essential, so security or insecurity, it's all relative.

Nephews visiting the States for a while and stayed here for a bit...
Miss the boys after having them around for two days, it was so cute
listening to them playing games and talking in the next room. Wish I
went out to eat w/ them on Monday but work has been insane so I just
came home and crashed. They already finished half a bottle of syrup,
one box of waffles and all the chocolate milk! Need to stock up if
they stay here again, it'll be tight with everyone here, but also
special. A full house!

Lots of snow coming tmw, stockpiled some food. Have noodles, eggs,
tomatoes for easy soupy noodle dinners. Also got takeout for more
realistic after-work lazy dinners.

Heard the couple next door fight last night, since it was one wall
away and super-late at night it sounded really loud and vicious. At
one point, I heard crashing noises, was really hoping it wasn't a
physical fight. Believe it's the bookcase or some other furniture
being shoved, because the man had to restock books on the shelf later,
which was right next to the wall. He shouted for his wife to "Get the
f-- out!" She didn't. It's not even Christmas yet, I can only imagine
the level of drama come Chinese New Year.

The weird thing is, though the couple are Chinese immigrants, they
were cussing and yelling at each other in English. I don't know if
it's because they've been here long enough to enjoy fighting in a
foreign language already or some other reason. It'll be awkward to see
them around the neighborhood now, like I've seen their scars in the
dark but have to pretend I don't see them in daylight.

Ramblings

1. The Mumbai attacks make it obvious that whoever the "terrorists"
are, we give them more power by labeling them as such. They may have
been thugs with guns before 9/11 but lumped together with Al Qaeda,
they take on a more omnipresent persona, from New York to Bali,
security is nowhere to be found. Why is it that hatred seems to unite
people more uniformly than love does?

2. Free from work yesterday, I had to meet up with one friend to get
tickets to Mohegan Sun casino in Connecticut and then deliver them to
another couple. It was quite a bit of run-around, especially since the
couple was coming in from CA via Newark airport. Their flight
supposedly got in around 5pm, while the bus to the casino was at 9pm.
The trip from Newark to Flushing would take 2 hours on a good day, on
the day before a holiday, it took them 3 hours. Luckily the wife of
the couple knew her way around Flushing, so we met up at an busy
intersection and I gave her the tickets shortly before the
casino-bound bus took off. I was puzzled when the husband didn't
appear, chalking it up to lazy, spoiled Taiwanese guys leaving all the
work to their wives, then I realized he must have stayed behind to
look after the luggage at the subway station rather than walking over.

Back to Basics

At first, I wanted this to be a fiction blog and so a lot of the first-person stories posted in the beginning about my arrival in America and the people I met is not my own experience. I'm an immigrant from China, however, and I have been here for more than 18 years. When writing about my real life felt too revealing, using fiction seemed fun. The narrative begun then has since fizzled out gradually and I don't know quite what to do with the characters, until they tell me or inspiration strikes again, I'll continue posting news and views that interested me and may interest you and some tidbits of my life as an immigrant.

A Woman's Choice and Temporary Families

M, who recently went back to Taiwan to teach again, after living in
America for five years because she married a guy who lived here, sent
a note asking us to try to look in on her husband and step-son from
time to time. She worries that he will sink into a deeper funk due to
unemployment. He had a great job but quit to start his own business,
which didn't work out too well, so the family of three was without a
steady income (nor health insurance) for most of last year. Push came
to shove, M finally decided to go back and earn some money, even
though this meant she would be half a world away from her husband for
at least three years, tho she did plan twice-yearly trips back to
America. When I told my sister this story, adding my own analysis, she
said matter of factly that obviously her marriage meant less than her
own career. Being apart is a mistake, she said, this marriage will not
weather the trials of long distance. I disagreed, was M just supposed
to sit at home and have everyone starve along with her? Sis said,
there are ways to make ends meet together. If you struggled together,
at least you're still a family, apart, you're just gonna fall apart as
a couple. We always have a choice in these things, when we tell
ourselves we have to do something, just call it for what it really is:
we WANT to do it, often because it benefits ourselves more. Time will
tell if her dark prediction will be true.

Lots of Chinese couples do long-distance, and they don't necessarily
divorce, granted, I don't know if they're exactly close. Often the man
or the woman will have some sort of local partner when the separation
gets longer than six months. Lots of couples I know in my
neighborhood, who present themselves as a married couple, are often
not. Some even have whole families back home. The immigrant life is
easier with someone to help you out, cook dinner with, and just plain
talk to, so people create makeshift families to bide the time.

Great Expectations

Liu Xiang, the hurdler who was expected to win a gold medal today,
withdrew from the 110-meter hurdling preliminaries due to injury. Talk
in the Chinese blogsphere ranges from doubting why he "really"
withdrew to sympathy. I refuse to believe he withdrew because of some
selfish reason, he's a natural competitor and wants to win even more
than all of the 13 billion fans combined do! Hope he recovers quickly
and doesn't let the negativity get him down.

Tremors

Feel unsettled this morning: China is having such a rough year, first the monster snowstorm, then Tibet, followed by the train collisions, and now a huge earthquake? May the heavens spare China more heartache in the coming months.

Spring brings lots of changes, several major thoroughfares in my neighborhood have been fenced up and marked for demolition, what will replace the dive bars and convenience stores? Chinese papers have said everything from hotels to luxury high rises. The non-stop construction and urgent sense of prosperity remind me of a developing city in China, where the sight of construction sites are as ubiquitous as ads for massages. Speaking of which, I walked past several very subtle ads for massages, some posted on booths selling calling cards, but one was on a huge placard hoisted by a old man, advertising Japanese style hair-washing, with massage and ear wax-removing included. I almost wanted to go undercover and see what kind of set-up they've got, but don't want to be mistaken for a potential worker.

Choosing a Religion

So many Chinese here end up going to church, not because they've had a religious epiphany in America, but because church groups are such great communities. For people with kids especially, having babysitter rings and play groups makes a huge difference. I can't join a church just for the good potlucks though, that feels sacriligious. Should I join a Buddhist center instead? They also have weekly study sessions and brunches, etc, maybe even singles clubs. Heh heh. Ugh, how pragmatic am I to even think of this? Being an immigrant has its perks.

Just read this complaint about the horrific travel industry in Hainan. It saddens me that Chinese are never more fierce than when robbing each other of money. My sister was telling me, seeing as how I haven't been back for a few years, that I won't believe what goes on nowadays: the moral decline, the extreme focus on money, that there is a sense of everything being "rotten to the core." Even kids are obsessed with money, conversations revolve around how much one's dad makes, and what kind of car or house one had. What has China come to? I know not everyone is like this, there are many, many good people trying to keep their heads above water and not do bad things just to make a buck. The overall climate breeds evil though, and being good doesn't get you anywhere.

I hope I could stay away from evil in situations where I'm challenged. But say I had a kid who could get into a better school if only I paid 20,000 Yuan in sponsor fees and the only way I could get the money was by doing something unsavory: lie, cheat, or steal, would I do it? I'm afraid I'd chalk up the action as necessary and do the deed. Then comes the next one, and the next. It's easy for me to say judgemental things when my environment is more forgiving.

The IPOD Generation

The young generation of Europe is being called the IPOD generation by their press.

Why IPOD you ask? Well, it's like this:

I: insecure

P: pressured

O: overtaxed

D: debt-ridden

I think we're pretty close to it too in America. I'm insecure at times and struggle with my goals (or lack there of) and feel pressured to achieve and acquire... As far as overtaxed goes, yep, that's true too. I actually owe money, even though I earn less than most people I know in New York. Debt-wise, I'm ok so far, but that's only because am not buying a house or car right now. Is that true for you too?

Giving it Away

Came home really tired last night, was still too wired to sleep for some reason. Got sucked into a public television airing of Dr. Wayne Dyer's lecture. He has a way of making profound things really simple and intuitive. His analogy of "life is but a parenthesis in eternity" and all we could do is to give our life away was brilliant. His philosophy goes against the whole buy more, get more, amass more way of life some people are living.

Living in New York has made me more opportunistic and I've caught myself envying someone else' s apartment, wardrobe, vacation, or perception of power. Now that I think about it, not only do I not have less, I have too much. There is much I could give. I'm not going to start handing out money on the street or anything, but I could try to focus less on getting more of something, anything, to feel better and richer. This will take a while and won't be easy, I'll have trouble with letting go of things at first for sure. It'll be more natural when I realize we'll all meant to share and the more we give, the more we "get," not in payment or thanks, but we'll be contributing to the circle of giving that is life.

My Near Celebrity Sighting

If you read Gawker Stalker, you'd think New York was run by celebrities, you could practically see one inline at the Kwik Meal stand at every corner.

Never have I had such luck though.

Today, I was at a GNC during lunchtime, grabbing some Flavor & Fiber Bars. There was a big crowd of people there, mostly men, clutching FHMs and looking high-strung...turns out they were all waiting for Carmen Electra. The store owner was distracted too, the poor guy was probably trying to visualize how to put his store back in order after Electra's people have moved all of his shelves around to make room for a VIP area.

After getting my loot, I had trouble leaving the store. As I made my way out of the place, murmuring "Sorry, just trying to get out...." One guy shoted, "No cutting!" I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes there, all this for a D-list celeb? Still, afterwards I couldn't resist looking up the event on WireImage and lo and behold, there she is, wearing a camisole-style top in 20 degree weather, holding the diet book and posing as if it's the Oscars. Now that's professionalism!

Chinese "Friends"

China's version of "Friends," this one is only broadcast online, yay
for the Web!
Would they turn all the friends into lovers like the American version I wonder?

http://tv.mofile.com/user/soulpartners/

Hope the connection is not too choppy for you.

A Good Deed?

I just spent nine bucks on a headscarf and was walking home in the freezing cold, wishing I had remembered to wear gloves. Then I saw a person lying in the doorway of a bustling Chinese restaurant, apparently asleep, even in this frigid weather, he was curled up, head bent toward the doorway, as if seeking warmth. I felt the usual twinge of "Damn, that's sad" but kept walking.

The more I walked, the more uncomfortable I got. Have I become this apathetic? It's one thing not to give money on the train, it's another to let a human being freeze to death when I have the power to do something. Anything...

Yellow Pages were no help, but there is the Web. A quick search for homeless outreach got me dialing 311 and the operator connected me to the 24-Hour Mobile Street Outreach and Emergency Shelter Hotline. There was a long automated menu, with different options for people seeking shelter depending on their age, gender, and pregnancy status. Before I could brood on all those differentiations, a live person picked up. I stumbled through my words, thankfully, she was very direct and to the point in getting the address and time last seen of the person I'm getting help for, she even offered to put me on the mailing list.

After I hung up, I felt so energized, I was all smug, thinking "Thank goodness I didn't stay out tonight, or else who would have helped him..." I thought about actually going out there again to see if a van did come by and rescue him but didn't. I have a long way to go yet when it comes to being a real Samaritan, but it's a start.

Gold Pigs

I got an annual newsletter from a family friend, she says:

The lunar New Year is a Year of the Pig. It is believed to be a year of gold pig (rather than wood, water, fire, earth pigs.) So many couples plan to have their babies born in this lucky year. It's estimated that 100 ,000 babies will be born in Beijing! (We didn't know this until we read reports in the newspapers. My daughter-in-law is thirty-three and it is high time for her to have a baby, gold pig or not. When the pig babies (as they are called fondly here in China) grow up they will be faced with tougher competitions in going to good schools, universities, job-hunting, etc. I doubt they will feel lucky then. But for the moment we don't have to worry about those things.

Wow, I feel anxious now too, maybe I should start on folic acid and flaxseed oil as well. But seriously, the theory is too simplistic, there is not way everyone born in lunar calendar 2007 will be lucky. There is got to be an empirical way to disprove this, maybe do a Seven Up documentary on the pig babies and see how they fare in life.

No More Pills for Me?

I started on the Pill, Yasmin, to be exact, a couple days ago, and haven't felt normal since.

A wave of irritation assaulted me the morning after I took the first pill at midnight. I attributed it to everyday crankiness, then I started feeling dizzy. And not the kind of dizzyness I could ignore either, I almost had to stop working on the computer since it was hard to focus on anything.

Then my tastes changed, my usual favorites: meatballs, grilled chicken, sauted fish... began to taste foul. Fruits and vegetables became insanely delicious though. Was Yasmin invented by vegetarian pharmacists?

But as with most things in this world, there was an upside, I became really articulate, even a little agressive, just enough to correct my typical shyness. I was more outgoing too.

Are the side effects worth the benefits? I think not, having words roll out of my mouth beautifully is not worth being cranky and bitchy.

Had I started taking birth control pills really early on in life, would I be a totally different person by now? Would I be this type-A prima donna who doesn't take "no" for an answer and steamrolls everyone? Who knows.

The next time I feel like being a bitch, I know what I'll reach for. You say "off-the-label," I say on-demand aggression.

Beggers and Liars

I was waiting for the bus one day when a woman sidled up to me and asked, "Do you speak English?" I answered yes without thinking and she immediately launched into a speech about her being a single mother and needing food for her kids. Somehow, I didn't believe her and stood there awkwardly while she continued persuading me. After sensing my lack of compassion, she moved on to her next target. I wondered if she ever got any money this way.

Walking down a deserted street a couple months later, I saw the same woman coming toward me. It was too late to turn around so I just continued forward even though I was dreading the encounter. Sure enough, she asked the same thing, I shook my head no and walked on.

So ashamed. I guess I've become a true New Yorker now and no sad stories could move me. AND I pretended I didn't speak English, I've sunken pretty low.

Eye Lids and Aging


I've been secretly happy that I was born with the coveted double eyelids, thereby bigger-looking eyes. When other people buy these scary adhesive kits purporting to induce "Bigger eyes instantly! Without surgery!" from Asian pharmacies to create the effect on their own, I'd feel a sense of superiority from not needing to resort to such a measure.

Until now.

In recent photos, I noticed my eyes are looking droopier than before. Could the double eyelids be causing this? All of a sudden, I'm obsessed with using Google Images to look up late 20s Chinese celebrities, trying to justify my theory. The results are not encouraging. The extra skin from the eyelids age just as fast as the rest of the face, and when they age, they droop over the eyes. Horrors.

What's next, plastic surgery?

After I calmed down, I assessed the situation from all angles, the only solution is, I have to get hitched before I age anymore.

SK-II is Evil

I once used this ultra-pricey toner from SK-II and was so impressed at how it made my skin so supple and seemingly whiter. If not for its prohibitive price tag (more than $50), I would have kept on using it. Fast forward two years...

I saw on Chinese news today how all SK-II products were to be taken off the market in China. They were full of toxic ingredients. Anecdotal stories I have heard confirm this too. SK-II's signature ingredient, "Pitera," makes the skin temporarily whiter, brighter, and softer, BUT the minute you stop using it, the skin regresses to what it used to be and WORSE. So very scary.

For years, I thought this was because Chinese had an innate prejudice of Japanase products but today I'm convinced. Do Japanese women use SK-II? I've heard the products are formulated differently for the Japanese market.

There is a saying that Chinese export the best products and use crappy 2nd or 3rd rate stuff for the domestic market, but Japan does the opposite.

1-800-Purgatory

I called the bank for some information and was led thru this merry maze of options and more options and no help, in desperation, I pressed O and finally got a human to take my call.

Reading magazines does pay off, I remembered reading about this shortcut this eons ago and who knew it's actually a good tip.

Sales

Maybe it's the immigrant in me, or maybe it's my innate cheapness, but I can't stop myself from checking out all the sales recently. Thanks to a non-professional job, I've been abusing my lunch breaks with tons of excursions into discount clothing stores and some not-so-discount ones. My biggest transgression was at Zara's, where I bought a blouse at full-price.

Standing in line, I spyed a Chinese woman who looks like she could be a model, shopping with her boyfriend/ATM in tow. She had on a beautiful outfit, a sheer camisole topped with a glittery cardigan, paired with skinny black pants. The whole effect was pretty posh, except for her feet, which despite being hoisted on top of a pair of platform wedges, were covered in bandages. I was glad to find one flaw with her, but was secretly envious of her lifestyle and shopping spree. I felt like this must be routine for her and hardly such for me.

I could go look for a rich boyfriend I suppose, but how would I be different from some of the girls I know in China who use the men in their life for bill-paying purposes and live like parasites?

If I were honest with myself, it's not even the moral part of this...I feel icky even thinking about degrading myself just for a Chloe top. For now, I'll stick with knock-offs and Old Navy.

My First Ever Concert in America

I'm really really happy that i went to see The Dixie Chicks last night, never been to MSG so the whole thing was new to me. Their opening act was Bob Schneider's band. He's not bad, but then there was 45 of nothing but recorded music before the Chicks went on stage. The whole place became electrified, everyone was cheering them, they played two fast songs and then did "Landslide." Everyone used their cell screen to do the lighter thing during that song, it was cute.

Natalie didn't talk too much, she did mock her "excellent career choices" to much laughter in the crowd. Right before a song she dedicated to Mel Gibson, she said if she had gone to rehab like he's doing, and apologied for what she said, the controversy would have been all over. They also did a lullaby-like song. But the most popular ones had been "Not ready to forgive", "Top of the world", and "Wide open spaces", "Sittin' wagon" got a lot of responses too. Then the band left and they did "Traveling soldier" solo. The last two songs: one was by Bob Dylan and another I can't recognize.

They wore different things, Natalie had this sleeveless black leather dress cut with a deep V in front. Emily wore a black with white trim polo shirt and white shorts with a black/white scarf as a belt. Martie wore a skinny black blouse and skinny black stretch pants, with tons of silver necklaces.

The crowd was full of cute guys in cowboy hats and lots of upstate and Long Island-looking families. Very few New Yorker-looking people were there, at least around me. But it was sold-out for sure. I was so impressed so many turned out.

Epiphany

Mom said something to me the other day that made me realize what life is all about.

Life is not about pleasing oneself, rather, it's about not disappointing people who love you.

This is so different from what self-help books and magazines tell you -- living for one's own fulfillment, etc., but I feel so strongly about it. It's almost as if I'm now relieved of all the self-absorbed musings and ambitions that usually plague me.

Wow, is that a big guilt trip my mom laid on me or what?

Work

Memorial Day doesn't seem like a holiday to me, I suppose for Americans it's all about BBQs and the start of summer, but isn't it really like celebrating the death of veterans?

Mao Mao gave me monday off, but his office really has nothing but an imaginary workload anyhow. Most of the time I feel like he has an office registered in the US so he can prove he has a venture of some sort,to impress women.

My days are mostly made up of translating his friends' dissertations as favors, filing receipts of his meals, and fielding calls from his off-and-on again girlfriends. There is one girl who calls pretty often, she may have thought of me as competition at first, but now she just sees me as free therapy. A typical phone exchange is as follows:

"Is Mao Mao there?"

"He's not in, but he'll be back after lunch." That could take anywhere from 2 to 5 hours.

"He promised to take me to Escada tomorrow, remind him, okay?"

"Yes, I will." Hah, yeah right.

"Has he mentioned the Vegas trip to you?"

"I could remind him, could you give me more details?" I have the patience of a saint.

"Oh, he knows what it's about..."

"Sounds wonderful. Talk to you soon." She'll call again in half a hour. It's really very soon.

In contrast, my freelance work at Dr.Zhou's is much more gratifying. I see the occasional hypochodriacs, but also patients who benefit greatly from her treatments. I hope to work there on Monday, otherwise I'll be doing nothing but listen to internet radio on TOM.com all day.